Showbiz Cheat Sheet was in conversation with Shantelle Bisson, the author of the book Raising your kids without losing your cool. This is part two of our cat.
Showbiz fake page: What advice would you give to moms who are about to get a divorce?
SB: I can’t speak to this in particular, even though my husband and I had a one-year separation at the 16-year mark of our marriage. We could work out and sort. However, I was raised by one mother, and I saw back and forth and the emotional trauma she went through trying to work out her marriage with my father, for us children. I’ve seen a lot of my friends marry outdoors both beautifully, and not so beautifully.
No matter how a marriage ends, my experience is that it is never easy. So, with that being said, the advice I would give to a mum going through a divorce is to be quiet on her own. Build a strong circle around you to support you, to take your children away when you can’t stand for one minute longer and need time to be alone so you can break down. Be assured. Be vulnerable and don’t try to be too powerful.
CS: How can they maintain a healthy relationship with their children and a nurturing environment at home?
SB: When I was deciding to end my marriage, the first thing I did was to make sure that both my husband and I maintained a healthy relationship with our children. and a nurturing environment at home hiring a family therapist to work with us all. I can’t stress enough how helpful this was at that difficult time.
We were given the advanced tools and language to use at home with our girls to reduce the blow. If a family has a way to get expert help, I strongly urge you to get that person on board before bringing the children in. If you are already in the thick of it and are able to professionally bring it into the fold, do it now.
If this is not available to you, continue with trusted family members, friends who know that your back and the welfare of children are at heart. Encourage them to be a safe haven that children can continue when the need arises.
CS: What are some of the signs that it is time to seek professional help and get family counseling or even individual counseling for your child?
SB: Signs will be different for each family. Some families note that their child / children have been seen coming and have been prepared. Other families will have a counselor in advance who will help reduce the need for more risky intervention. And to be honest, no two children are created equal.
When my husband and I were going through our separation, our three daughters had a different response. There were no signs of conflict. So I had to do a lot of digging – a lot of asking questions and reading between the lines.
I think the most important thing a parent can do up to the end of their marriage is to accept the worst with their child. Jump to the conclusion that your child will have a hard time with the breakup and engage before taking the pain out of themselves through cutting, the development of an eating disorder, or through sexual promiscuity.
And parents of a boy, don’t think that because you have a son he can’t come in or harm himself in those ways. These types of treatments are increasingly popular with young men. So get involved, stay involved, be proactive.
CS: What do you want readers to take away from your book?
SB: When you lose cool, don’t hit yourself. Take the time you need to recover, and then return to the saddle. And when you blow it, make sure you own your s *** with your kids.
A humble parent is sure to raise an empathic, sensitive person, who can own their own flaws in their own lives. Soon, be aligned, be patient and gracious to yourself, and be humble with your children.
Sheiresa Ngo continued Twitter.